THE DEVIL AND RANMA SAOTOME
by Technomaru
Summary: In this HORRORibly funny story,Genma sell his son to the Devil for a bowl of rice and pickles and only Akane Tendo and the rest can save Ranma before he suffers eternal damnation.


THE DEVIL AND RANMA SAOTOME

NOTE: due to fears of religious groups on my ass, the role of "old scratch" will be played by Devimon from Digimon, so this is a Ranma ½ / Digimon Fanfic although other characters from other shows will be in it. Also this Fanfic takes place a few months after "Friday the 13th ½: Jason Takes Nerima"

"Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress that this fanfic in no way endorses Satanism."

-Neowinterknight-

(yes, this is a parody of the disclaimer from "Michael Jackson's Thriller")

One day as Genma and Soun are playing Go, they start to get hungry but then they realized that Kasumi is out shopping and then after Genma says "I'd sell my soul for a bowl of rice and a pickle" and then Soun suddenly falls asleep and black mist appears in the room and accompanied by 3 demidevimons, a shadowy figure approaches Genma…and that creature is Devimon, the demonic digital monster.

Devimon asks with a grin "so you want to sell your soul in exchange for a bowl of rice and a pickle? Umm why are you looking at me like that?" and Genma replies "you're that thing from that show the author likes…shouldn't you resemble a horned creature in red pajamas and carry a pitchfork?" and then Devimon groans and says"… let's just say this…why do you think "the red guy" from cow and chicken was called "the devil" once and only once, why do u think they never aired that episode of "darkwing duck" called "hot spells" ever again, same goes with the episode of "Rocko's modern life" called "Heff in a Handbasket", why do you think they started calling the Tasmanian devil "taz"? why do you think the Harvey comics character "hot stuff the little devil" was in hot water?" and why do you think there never was a Mego doll of daredevil in the first place and why he wears a black outfit in "the trial of the incredible hulk"…" and then Genma says "enough already, I know, I know, political correctness sucks more than the ending to our manga." And then Devimon says "my chef will prepare you your dish but what I want in exchange is…YOUR SOUL!" and then Genma, looking frightened says "umm…wouldn't you want "the master" instead? And then Devimon says "actually he already made a deal with me and in exchange he wanted half a Mallomar… and to switch places with Akane Tendo's panties.

(And then it cuts to Akane Tendo, getting dressed but when she opens the dresser, she sees Happosai folded himself neatly and inside the dresser, looking like a pair of panties and Akane freaks out, wondering why is he in there but then he hears a voice and it yells out "I MUST BE IN HEAVEN" Akane thinks she's hearing things, and then she hears a voice says "HA CHA! THE VIEW IS GREAT FROM HERE!" and then Akane gets so scared until she hears a voice say "LOOK INSIDE YOUR PANTS!" and when Akane looked she sees her panties and the cat design looks exactly like Happosai and he says "PEEK-A-BOO!" and then Akane looks so terrified she screams so loud it can even be heard in the digital world and then Kenta says "did you hear something? And then Kazu says "nah! It's probably me because I had some beans")

Genma then says, I know something you would need instead of a lazy worthless man like me… MY SON!" And then Devimon's smirk grew wider and says "Tell me more…" and then Genma shows Devimon is pictures, information, and the truth about his curse and then Devimon says "I'LL TAKE THE BOY! Just sign here and be careful, it's a hot pen" and as the pen is on fire, Genma signs the contract and then after it was signed, Devimon kept his word to Genma

Then suddenly, Gordon James Ramsay from appears out of nowhere and says "HERE'S YOUR FUCKIN' RICE AND PICKLES YOU FAT FUCK, AND I HOPE YOU FUCKIN' CHOKE ON IT YOU FUCKIN' EXCUSE FOR A FATHER!" And then Genma wolfs it down and Devimon says "now remember, the instant you finish the rice and pickle, I get your son!" and then Genma says "so if I don't eat this pickle, you can't have Ranma?" and then he jumps for joy and says "I'M SMARTER THAN DEVIMON! I'M SMARTER THAN DEVIMON!" and then he warp digivolves to Daemon (true form, not the one from the second season) and yells out "YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! YOUR SON SHALL BE MINE!" and then he vanishes into black mist and then Genma says "Not Likely" and he puts it under his skull cap. And while Ranma was taking a cold bath, he suddenly turns male and cannot change back, no matter how much cold water was poured on him, he looked so confused but then he celebrates that he's no longer a girl.

6 days, 6 hours, and 6 minutes later, Genma goes out for a midnight snack and so he removes his skull cap and eats the pickle and then the odor of brimstone floods the Tendo house and then he hears a loud scream and thinks "either Devimon got Ranma or Shannon Doherty's spending the night. And then Akane runs to Ranma's room, armed with a kendo stick, and sees fire marks on the wall and also on the wall are blood stains that read "**PAID IN FULL**"

Akane's eyes are covered in tears and she falls on her knees and she breaks into tears and as Soun, Kasumi and Nabiki arrive, Nabiki says "that's the most surreal thing I've ever seen" and Kasumi says "you mean the room that looks like something from that Clive Barker movie that involves a puzzle box?" and Nabiki says "no…Akane crying because Ranma got kidnapped by something supernatural."

Meanwhile, As Ranma is dragged into Digital Hell (a world in the digital world where evil Digimon live and ruled by demon-type Digimon) Devimon tells Ranma I brought you here because your father exchanged you for a bowl of rice and a pickle" and Ranma says "that figures" and then Devimon's smirk grew and says "and just like the many deals your father made…you are betrothed to my daughter and future princess…LADYDEVIMON! But before you can see her and be wed you must go through some "Tests" to see if you're worthy of marrying her…OR ELSE!" Ranma gets so scared he suddenly wets himself and not even the urine can turn him female (no said it was just cold water that had to change him) and then Devimon says "oh and by the way, I used my magic to uncurse you in case you try to use the curse to escape me but remember…YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME! BITCH!

As Ranma is in one Ironic Punishment test for his training for the wedding, he is strapped to a chair that is next to an Okonomiyaki making machine and then he suddenly sees a demon that looks exactly like Ukyo Kuonji and she says in a southern accent "so you like Okonomiyaki Ranma hunny? WELL EAT ALL THE OKONOMIYAKI IN THE WORLD MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

2 hours later, the room full of Okonomiyaki is almost empty, Ranma is now ballooned and he kept saying "more!" and the demon-Ukyo kept laughing and says "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HA...HA…HA…ha…heh… oh what's the use…I don't get it, this torture drove Toot Braunstein in mad in 20 minutes".

Ranma was then put inside a machine and is forced to wear a mole costume and when the signal lights up, he is pushed out of the machine and sees a demon-Akane and she whacks him with her mallet, he is inside a "whack-a-mole" machine and he's the only mole in that machine, this torture lasts for 44 minutes.

Ranma is then thrown in a dungeon and sees a demon that resembles Shampoo but in a cat girl costume and she sings

Breaking hearts and stealing girls,

It is wrong in shampoo's book,

Be prepared to be covered in cats,

It's level three you mook!

This is digi-hell you can see,

You can blame your stupid dad,

After the playdate with my kitty friends,

Up to lever four where it is bad!

Ranma's eyes open wide and he yells out "KITTY FRIENDS?" and he is suddenly covered in fish and the stampede of cats smother him as he lies in a fetal position.

In the final level, he is chained up in a wall and then he sees what looks like Kodachi in a S&M leather gear and armed with a whip and as she makes her laugh, she goes "AHAHAHA! You're mine Ranma darling! And no I'm not a demonic doppelganger, It's really me! Jason Voorhees killed me and when I woke up I was here, I immediately got the job as the dominatrix here…SO BEND OVER AND TAKE YOUR MEDICINE!" and before Kodachi can do anything to Ranma she is interrupted by the Dungeon's other occupant, Alfred E. Khan and he uses a magical paint brush to turn her whip into one made out of licorice and then Kodachi yells out "YOU BITCH! I HAD RANMA WHERE I WANTED HIM AND YOU RUINED THE MOMENT!" and then she pulls another whip from explicit area of her suit and starts whipping Alfred E. Khan and tells Ranma "I'll play with you later Ranma darling, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Meanwhile, back in the Tendo Dojo Akane is extremely sad that Ranma was abducted by supernatural means and then Soun asks "has anyone seen Genma" and then they see Genma in panda form trying to escape through a window only to get stuck in it and then Kasumi innocently decorates his behind to look like a deer's head and when they get to the other side, Genma sheepishly pulls out a sign that reads "I'm just a innocent panda" and then Kasumi says "oh my…it is true, he does pull out signs out of his behind."

Soun says "do u have anything to do with Ranma's disappearance" and then a copy of Genma's contract tell out of his skull cap that he is somehow still wearing and when the Tendos are done reading it, they look extremely angry and before Akane pulls out a chainsaw Kasumi stomps towards Genma and yelled "You fat son of a bitch! You made a fucking deal with the devil! There is something seriously wrong with you fat fuck!" everyone just stared a gasped, her reaction was "I mean… Oh my!"

Akane then gets angry and suddenly she is engulfed in the "flames of youth" and she says "We got to get Ranma back because according to the contract, if we don't get Ranma back by midnight on Halloween, he will be wed to a demon from the digital world, but first we need guides who can take us to the digital world, let's get everyone together and make sure we get him back!"

And so in the Tendo Dojo, Akane get Ukyo, Shampoo, Soun, Nabiki, Kasumi, the ghosts of Gosunkugi and Kogane and Genma into order to plan a way to get Ranma back and then as everyone is wondering what's going on, Akane is bursting into tears and tells everyone "that because of a demonic deal made by Genma, Ranma is sent to digital hell and will be wed to a demon, and she needs everyone's help in getting him back" and then Shampoo says "AIYAA! Shampoo rather die than let Ranma marry some demonic witch!" and Ukyo slaughters Genma with her giant spatula and says "HOW DARE YOU! Well I gotta save Ranma honey from eternal damnation" and then Kogane tells them that she just contacted two special boys with access to the Digital world and as they enter the Dojo they announce themselves…

Hello Ms. Tendo, I'm Kazu Shioda and this is my partner Guardomon and this is my best friend Kenta Kitagawa and his partner Marine Angemon (Ukyo gives Kenta a pink Okonomiyaki to match his pink digivice and pink digimon "Why does everyone does give me pink foods! Like that time with Luffy and the pink douhnut!" yelled Kenta.) and we'll take you to Digital hell to get your boyfriend back" and Ukyo and Shampoo yell out "He is not her boyfriend!" and Kazu says "are we trapped in a soap opera or something because I don't wanna be around if one of you are pregnant". And then Akane says "well it's either me or the demon gets her" and then Ukyo and Shampoo are forced to agree and then Ukyo says "at least Ranma honey doesn't have to go through eternam damnation with Akane and Shampoo nods. And then Ukyo asks "Where did that jackass Ryoga go?"

And so the Party is in the Local DMV because 1. nobody in Nerima ever goes there and 2. the DMV is basically Hell on earth. The 2 Digimon tamers open the gates with their digivices and then they enter a place that is surrounded by flames and a flock of Demidevimon were attacking but then Marine Angemon blew them away with it's love bubbles. And then they see Ranma surrounded by demons that look like the Ranma girls as well as Kodachi and then as the 2 groups looked at each other, it looked like it was time to open a can of powerpuff Z. Akane took out a giant mallet, Shampoo took out a giant buble wand and Ukyo took out yo-yo… the Demons were dressed like the orignal Powerpuff Girls. Then they start fighting eachother and then Kodachi suddenly dresses like Princess (the original one) and then before she helped the demon girls, she gets knocked in the head by Akane's mallet. The fighting went on until a female devimon suddenly grabs Ranma and everyone went after him to the altar, Rnma is suddenly in a suit and he sees his "bride" and it's ladydevimon who kept saying "be mine!" and then the Minister of this Unholy Matrimony is Impmon and he says in a mobster accent "do youse take this man ta be ya husband?" and Lady Devimon agrees, and Impmon says "Since you're forced to be wed I know what the answer is." And Ranma says "Why do you sound like Joe Pesci?" and Impmon says "blame my dubber, and by the powers invested in darkness, I now pronounce you man and…" and just as Impmon is about to continue, he gets knocked in the head by Ukyo's spatula, Shampoo's bonboris, and Akane's Mallet, until black flame emerged and it's Devimon.

Devimon wonders what is going on and Akane then says "Ranma is my fiancee' and I will not let this demon have him" and then Devimon says "do you have any proof of this" and then Soun points out that it is written in the pledge of the "Anything goes school of Martial Arts" that Akane and Ranma MUST be wed in order to continue the legacy" and then a rather frustrated Devimon says "how about we settle this in court just to make things a little fun…BUT I GET TO CHOOSE MY JURY!" and then Akane and Devimon agree to it. Meanwhile, Shampoo sees Kodachi and Kodachi says "you predicted my death you chinese hussy!" and then Shampoo says "if crazy lady dead, then she won't mind if I do this!" and Shampoo easily removes her head and places it on a table, borrows one of Akane's Mallets and puts on a baret, and in a count of 3 she smashes Kodachi's head with the mallet, getting blood everywhere but then her head reappears on her body and then Shampoo does it again and tells everyone especially Kazu and Kenta "hey everyone, try this, this is fun!" and then Kazu (with help from guardomon) tried to smash Kodachi's head but accidentally smashes Tattewaki Kuno's foot insead and as Kuno tried to attack he ended up getting blown up by Guardomon's attack "guardian barrage".

And then suddenly everyone is teleported to the Tendo Dojo and it is set up to look like a court and then Devimon announced his "jury of the damned":

Queen Beryl, Cell (perfect mode), Frieza, the little Oni who says the same thing over and over again (Lollipoo! Ha ha!), Zabuza Momochi

"Also not all my jurors are dead you know… some of them even work for me" said Devimon.

Happosai (still as a pair of Akane's panties), Blackbeard the pirate, the one from another world where pirates are rampant and his real name is Marshal D. Teach, Ten, an alien Oni (because a demon's a demon)… and Ryoga. Ukyo shouts out "RYOGA YOU JACKASS! WHY ARE YOU IN THERE? And then Ryoga replies, "It's because I accidentally got lost and so in exchange for getting out of here I was made into Devimon's jury member… RANMA'S THE ONE DEVIMON WANTED! Heh heh heh...YOU ARE SO GUILTY RANMA!" and then he gets knocked in the face by a flying spatula and Ukyo says softly "jackass!" Fred Fred burger, a green elephant creature is part of the jury and he just sits down and puts on Happosai, thinking he's a hat. Devimon then announces his last jury member and it turns out to be Jason Voorhees and everyone in team Ranma freaks out because they fought him before and then when Jason sees Ranma he tries to grab him and everyone hold him back and Ryoga says "DON'T KILL HIM! If he loses he won't suffer eternal damnation by being married to Lady Devimon (gets hit in the face by another spatula).

The judge ( who turns out to be Grim because Devimon let him distract Billy and Mandy with one of his pet Demidevimons) Grim says "hear ye! Hear ye! Court is now in session! And no you cannot call on Lionel Hutz because I claimed him years ago (gets hit in the face with a spatula) and then a little boy named Shinchan Nohara walks up to Ranma and says "Yo! I'll be in your defense, I have a secret weapon that will save you, it's called "the elephant defense" and Ranma actually believes it.

And so…due to the fact trials are boring and pretty long I'll just skip to the interesting part. Grim then says to Ranma "so child, your father sold you to Devimon for Rice and a pickle which I say is pretty stupid but it is written in contract by him and therefore you must be Devimon's property, do you have anything to say in defense and then Shinchan gets up and pulls down his pants and says "this is the elephant that represents the innocent man, if you say that this elephant is guilty for not having hair all over it, then Mr. Saotome is guilty, and furthermore…HEY IT'S CELL AND FRIEZA! HEY GUYS! SIGN MY UNDERWEAR! (write "dear Shinchan, average temperature")" and then Ranma looks down and says "this is gonna cost me…" but not before he shows his lil elephant to the girls and then a Okonomiyaki is thrown at his face and he happily eats it.

And before Grim announces that Ranma will be sentence to marriage of Lady Devimon, an extremely bright light appears and then an angel that resembles a beautiful woman but with wings and a halo suddenly appears. Soun, Kasumi, Nabiki, and especially Akane get teary eyed and Akane softly says "M…M…MOM? MOM!" and then Mrs. Tendo hugs Akane and she tells the Judge "your honor, Ranma Saotome rightfully belongs to Akane Tendo and I have evidence of it." And then Mrs. Tendo shows Grim the transcripts of Akane's prayers that every night before she goes to sleep, she wishes that she's marry Ranma Saotome but first she needed the courage to tell him her feelings and that she will always love him…even though he's a pervert." And then everyone in the room except for the demons, Kodachi, and the demon Digimon start breaking into tears. And then Mrs. Tendo says "also my future son-in-law never wanted to be part of the deal so he was forced unwillingly into this and I find this wrong…GENMA SAOTOME!" AND THEN Genma chokes on the nachos he stole from Fred Fredburger who is seen crying when he lost them. "And so this contract should be null and void if Ranma refuses to be with Lady Devimon in the first place due to Genma's negligence, and it doesn't look like Ranma wants to marry Lady Devimon (Ranma makes a Kawaii innocent face) and if you say no…MRS. TENDOMON…DIGIVOLVE TOOOO…..ANGEWOMON!" said Mrs. Tendo who just turned into a Angewomon and this frightens Devimon while Akane looks confused and then she asks "Why is my mom a Angewomon and what would that make me? And then Shinchan who is still doing is "ass ass dance" says "a Gorillamon?" and she's about to pound him but the others try to hold her off so she won't harm the stupid 5 year old. And then Mrs. Tendo aims her bow and arrow at Devimon and he looks frightened and he yells to his jury "REACH THE VERDICT! REACH THE VERDICT!" And then Grim says "that is my line, one more time and I hold you in contempt!"

Ryoga sits up and read to Grim "we the jury find Ranma Saotome (forgive me Akane…) to rightfully belong into the heart of Akane Tendo and not of Lady Devimon!" and then Ranma ends up freed and hugs Akane but then a jealous Ukyo is about to say that She was engaged to Ranma first but Shampoo covers her mouth and shakes her head because they both don't want Ranma back in Digi-hell.

And then the Tendo Dojo is back to normal and then Mrs. Tendo says to Genma "I know about what you did to Ukyo and I find this troublesome, believe it!" and then Devimon gets really upset and goes up to Genma and says "Ok, you got your son back, but may that bowl of rice and a pickle (Akane's mom whispers "don't forget Okonomiyaki") be stuck on your head FOREVER! And then Genma gets zapped by Devimon, also Devimon says "I got to go now, some blind Chinese guy wants to challenge me to a fiddle match so he can get shampoo for a wife and before I do…" he zaps Ranma and pours cold water on him, turning him into a girl and he gets very upset while Devimon vanishes and laughs.

Ranma gets hugged by a extremely happy Akane and she thanks everyone, Kazu and Kenta for leading them into the digital world and rewards them with her cookies and Kazu and Kenta like them and then everyone is scared and wonders how this is possible and Akane mentions she used her Shaman ability to Integrate with her Mom's soul in order to cook like her and then Ranma yells Beauty style "Since when are you a Shaman?".

She also "thanks" Shinchan a pair of her panties and it turns out to be Happosai and Shinchan says "wow, this can be mommy's Halloween gift!" but he didn't notice that the Panties are the ones Happosai became and he'll be in for a treat when Shinchan's mom is gonna put them on. The Ghosts of Kogane and Gosunkugi are sent back to heaven and then Mrs. Tendo sadly says she has to go back and then the Tendo Sisters and father started to weep and then she goes up to Akane and says "don't worry dear, your loving fiancée will always protect you and you will always be loved by me, your father, and your sisters. I will always be in your heart" and then Akane's tears stopped flowing and she smiles and waves goodbye as Mrs. Tendo goes back to heaven and then everyone sees what did Devimon do to Genma and then they see him with a bowl of rice, a pickle, and Okonomiyaki on his head and he cannot take it off. Ukyo Laughs so hard and says "SERVES YOU RIGHT!" and then Genma sees this as a job opportunity as he now joins the Muscle League and wrestles alongside with Kid Muscle, Ramenman, and Curry cook (a wrestler with a bowl of curry on his head).

Impmon was left behind and he tells Soun that he wants to marry either Kasumi and Nabiki and then Soun turns into a giant Demon head when he objected to it and then Impmon warp digivolves to Beelzemon and points his guns at Soun Tendo and he runs away while he tries to hit on Nabiki … however Nabiki had other plans… Beelzemon could have sworn he heard a cash register ring… and then next thing he knew he was in a fire proof cage at a zoo, and he says "AH DAMMIT!" and his cellmate is Fred Fredburger who tells him "I like music, especially when you play it backwards and when you hear weird messages but the weird messages tell me to brush my teeth before I drink orange juice even though I shouldn't because it's gross and the kinda of music I listen to goes lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala…YES!" and then as Fred kept saying his name, Impmon slams his head against the Zoo's bars repeatedly. Eventually Ranma and Akane end up married so they will be together forever…

Ryoga was yelling to the readers "HEY, DOES ANYONE WANT TO KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ME?" and so Ryoga wound up somehow lost in heaven where he encounters Mrs. Tendo who thanks him for giving up on his love for Akane so he can save Ranma from eternal damnation and so as a reward he ends up getting smacked in the head with her halo and then he wakes up and finds himself in the arms of Akari Unryu (read the manga!) who kisses his forehead and Ryoga shouts extremely loud "THANK YOU MRS. TENDO!"

Elsewhere, Mousse was playing his fiddle… and somehow… no one knows how… he was extremely good and won against Devimon who just broke his fiddle and yells out "DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!" and then Mousse jumps for joy and ends up married to Shampoo who says, "Shampoo can't believe he actually did it!" and after the 2 got married, Devimon ends up in solid ice for Digi-hell just froze over

THE END…?

Alternate Fate of Genma Saotome:

After he lost the Trial, Devimon goes up to Ranma and apologizes to him and says that for no hard feeling he gives Ranma a sandwich with devil horns called "the broodwich" (a sandwich that is forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Hell's half acre. Baked by Beelzebub. Slathered with mayonnaise, beaten from the evil eggs of dark chicken forces into sauce by the hands of a one eyed mad man. Cheese boiled from the rancid teat of a fanged cow. Layered with 666 separate meats from an animal which has maggots for blood. Bacon is extra because there is no swine evil enough to be sacrificed upon the bed of evil...and lettuce. Bed of Evil and Lettuce, plus it has sundried tomatoes) Ranma was about to eat it but then Genma steals it and says "hey boy! The pact was my idea so I get the broodwich!" and after he eats it, he gets sent to Digi-hell and sees Devimon who smiles evily and says "I've said this once and I'll say it again… YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME! BITCH!" and then Kodachi in her S&M gear appears and slices Genma's head off with a sharp axe.


End file.
